Dreamt of weddings, disappointing HMUs and dictators.
Dreamt of FM sitting on our couch and having me arrested after I’ve just attended my cousin’s wedding. Been reading subversive publications against my parent’s advise but I’m a stubborn one. So Marcos finally had me arrested. In my dream, I had a chance to leave notes to my parents to tell them how much I loved them and to say sorry. My siblings witnessed my arrest. I also had the number of someone who I wanted my brother to contact for me to inform her of what happened to me but I was hesitating in my dream. I gave him the slip of paper with her name on it though I did not give specific instructions on what he needs to do.
After those, I felt resigned to my fate and was ready to die. I was arrested, taken to a military holding camp where a party was being held while people were simultaneously being arrested and was placed in a cell. Woke up because I had to pee.
Jesus that dream was terrifying. Especially the part wherein I accepted that I could not see my loved ones again because being arrested meant being tortured and eventually dying. EWAN KO BA NAMAN KASI NAMAN BAKIT MARTIAL LAW YUNG MILIEU NG PANAGINIP KO. Feeling ko kapapanood ko to ng Harry Potter eh.
Just came from our team’s 2019 Strat Planning. All organizational goals are set this year (read: all my work tasks are oriented to achieve these goals and this entails persistence, double effort, renewed rigor, and never losing sight of the prize).
Work is beckoning that I offer up my heart to it again. But NOOOOOOOO! (That’s a resounding No). Ang goal ko kasi this 2019 ay maging multiD and maging sexy person all over HAHAHA.
So maybe 25% lang ng puso ko ang ibibigay ko sa trabaho? The rest will be for the other aspects my life that will help me achieve the ultimate 2019 goal.
Kamote, how do I keep things balanced this year? You see my fear is that I pour all of my heart out to only one aspect of my life and consequently find myself already burnt out.
Sometimes I think I need a partner in life to keep me balanced and out of my head. And to pack things for me huehehehehe.
Must piously journal. Must keep a planner. Must be well rounded. Must be moderately successful in the workplace (HUH LOL). Must have healthy internal organs. Must trim down body fat. Must have stable financials. Must maintain brilliant brain. Must be sexy all over.
Oi. Adult goals.
“Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant ; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter ; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble ; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs ; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is ; many persons strive for high ideals ; and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars ; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.”— Max Ehrmann, Desiderata (1952)
2019 na inaantok pa din ako. Feeling ko I’m still wrapping 2018 shit up. Nagpalit yung taon pero wala akong feeling ng clean slate, ng bright and shining opportunity to redeem myself. But who am I kidding? Time is a construct. HAHAHAHA. A year in Jupiter is 12 Earth years. Go figure.
There is something I’d like to do again though: write journals. The let-my-pen-bleed-on-paper type. But I have a paper shortage. It’s time to Alunsina again.
Also I need to get rid of bad habits. Old dog, new tricks, bad combination; but let’s see.
PS. JZ said it, I said it - May we all get what we deserve this year. I believe in cosmic resonance. If the Universe is not gonna be indifferent and is gonna be fair and kind this year, then I’m due a couple of nice and little surprises.
Grabe wala akong life-changing epiphanies ngayong 2018. Well except sa narealize kong deep inside low-key hubadera ako kasi dalawang kasal ang pinuntahan ko ng walang bra HAHAHA because a bridesmaid’s dress allows one to do that.
Wala din akong grand pronouncements for 2019 because I’m just gonna plough through this year again hahaha.
All I know is that 2018 was not the easiest of years but still I am filled with boundless gratitude for the year that was.
This year, I still wish for my family’s good health and my clear skin HAHAHA.
Last year I said I wanted to fall in love anew and obviously that wish never got to see the light of day hahahaha. I’d still want to fall in love again this year only that this time I want the object of affection to be myself.
May we all get what we deserve this year.
Love and Cheers!
Narealize ko na napakawalang kwenta ng taon ko kung bigat ng panonood ng pelikula ang timbangan. Walang kahit anong film festival akong nilahukan. Tila dadalawa lang ang pelikulang pinanood ko sa sinehan. At 3 o 4 sa alternative screening venues.
Nalulong ako sa trabaho at pagtulog at Neflix. Kawalan ko ‘to. Talo ako. Lalo na at madaming magagandang Pelikulang Pilipino ang inilabas ngayong taon. Haaaaay. I’m so disappointed with myself.
Madalang din ang panonood ko ng mga dula. Pero eto naman ay dahil sa katamarang bumyahe HAHAHAHA at mga pinansyal na pagsubok HAHAHAHA. Pero ganun pa din - I’m so disappointed with myself.
Kailangan na itong mabago. Sa 2019, ang layunin ko ay maging multidimensional na tao. Isang maliit na bahagi lang ng buhay ko ang trabaho. Mas malaking bahagi ng buhay ko dapat ang passion at ang mga bagay na nakakapagpaningning sa aking mga mata at nagpapaalab sa aking kalooban.
Kelangan ko nang balikan ang love affair ko sa pelikula. Kelangan kong mas maging commited sa teatro. Kelangan kong ibalik ang buong ako.
The blessings of this season are my crazy family, the dogs, and friends who say “I love you”. My heart is full. 💕
It’s 2:51 pm and I just woke up from a 14-hour sleep.
Again, the dream was a funeral, and this time it was my father’s. I was crying, no wailing in that dream. Humahagulgol. In the wake, people were giving tribute to my father. I was seated beside my father’s ghost, and I was clinging to his neck. I asked him where my mother was and why he left us. I kept saying “hindi naman basta ganun lang yun.” I knew in my dream that our family would still survive without him but it’s not gonna be the same. And it was this thought that filled me with grief, a grief that I know would incapacitate me had I felt it in my real, waking life.
Aaaaah, until now I’m crying, the tears won’t stop.
Of course, the dream was not about my father. My father is as healthy as a bull. It was about my grief. It was about loss. It was about the things that I couldn’t really entertain and feel when I’m awake and my mind is forcing me to process them while I’m asleep. Thank God my brain has enough bandwidth these days (my 1 week death cleared out a looooooot of head space and my tasks at work are manageable as of this writing HUH) and so it’s forcing me to feel. The catch is, at this point, I’m not sure who the object of loss and grief is. But I’m thinking it could only be C.
Anyway, I know this sounds ridiculous but really this dreaming about my feelings has kept me sane and functional. Call it a handicap but I just don’t have the capability to feel big and overwhelmimg emotions when I’m awake and yes, I’m fucked up like that.
This Saturday I was not dead to the world.
After a couple of calls and productive meetings in the office, I met up with the boyfriends.
It was a day of my fave pasta and cake, alternative screening venues, and samgyeupsal :)
I am grateful. :)
And on the fifth day, yosing-yosi nako.
A good 7 hours of sleep and a lot of dreams but these are what I can recall:
1. Me having an ectopic pregnancy. HUH. It was quite graphic because there were bloody body parts involved. There was even an image of a fetus and a conversation on me needing to undergo D&C. But the most pressing matter in this dream was how did I become pregnant???
2. Was packing clothes for me and my girlfriend (who the gf is in the dream, IDK). We had a matching white, collared, sporty dress, only that mine was bigger HAH. Terrible fashion choice, isn’t it? HAHAHAHA.
3. Had an interaction with one of my demons and I did it calmly and casually and without my world ending. Totally opposite of what I dreamt of in the past - I meet my demon and then it’s the apocalypse, and of course I wake up scared and sobbing.
This dream piece is very important to me as it clearly articulates one fact in my life rn - I made a decision and because of it I don’t feel scared or ashamed anymore.
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The recurring themes in my dreams for the past 3 weeks are funerals, grief, mourning, and loss. Very telling ano.
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All the dreaming and journalling are helping in keeping me a sane person. Journalling helps me keep track of my mental temperature and dreaming helps me process all of my emotions. I don’t even think of work anymore heehee.
Oh shoot I have a 9pm hardstart meeting.
Catriona is ADMU but H’hen Nie is UP. Something like that.
NIGHTNIGHT by DEDDY